Don't Lose Yourself in a Relationship, and Here's Why

05.03.2019

When we start a serious relationship, each of us wants to get into all areas of the partner’s life, become as close as possible and crowd out all the memories of their exes. We begin to dispose of their time, things and life. However, after all, a partner enters our life in the same way, and at some point, you can catch yourself thinking, “Where am I? Where is my personal space? How did it happen that now I have to warn them about hanging out with my friends in advance?” Of course, when we meet our one and only (or, at least, we think we’ve met them), we mostly start investing in a partner. However, will you be happy in a relationship where there is no “I” and only “we”? How long will you be together if you merge so much that you don’t remember what had been happening in your life before you met them? The secret of long-playing relationships is a safe distance when you are close enough, but you still can breathe, and each of you has their own opinion. How to keep this perfect distance? How to not lose yourself in a relationship? Let’s try to figure out.

What Does It Mean to Lose Yourself in a Relationship?

Love is wonderful, and it is worth a lot. This is something that many people do not understand to the full extent. This is something that not everyone can experience. However, you should be very cautious with love. What does it mean to lose yourself in a relationship? If you forget about yourself, you can lose identity in a relationship. You risk dissolving in your love, losing your goals and dreams. You risk losing yourself. When this happens, you take it as something normal and mundane. You calmly look at yourself as at the continuation of a loved one. You do not ring the alarm when you devote all your time and energy to your soulmate. You don't ask yourself, “Why do I lose myself in relationships?” You plunge into a relationship, slowly sinking and considering it a natural process. You think this is love, but you are mistaken.

You lose yourself in love. You ruin everything. You become addicted to a person. You do everything with your own hands to lose love. You're disappearing. You don’t exist as a personality, which means your partner has no longer one to love. Only when you are left alone with your broken heart, you realize how far you have come. Only after the last cold “no” you understand what foolishness you have done. Only after a ton of rejected calls you understand, “I have lost myself in a relationship.” Shattering loneliness after your all-consuming love will wake you up. You look around and try to understand who you are, but you cannot. You will try to understand where to go next, but you will understand that you have neither plans nor goals. You made them together, but you didn't do anything personally. You will try to love yourself, but you cannot. You know how to love someone else, but you don't know how to love yourself. If you don’t want to find yourself in the alike situation, you should be aware of how to not lose yourself in a relationship beforehand.

How to Not Lose Your Identity in a Relationship?

Often, people who have just started relationships try so hard to adapt to their partners and come together, so they lose themselves. Women sacrifice hobbies or careers for the sake of creating an atmosphere of a family nest, and men lose friends, thinking that men's hangouts will bother their beloved girls. Often, we are led by our own fantasies about what our partner might not like, even without thinking to ask their opinion. We regret the missed opportunities, mentioning in conversations with friends, how free and interesting we were before the relationship. How to not lose your identity in a relationship? Here are some tips on this theme.

1. Remember that you don’t have to share absolutely all the hobbies of your partner

Do not forget that even though you are a couple now, yet each of you is a separate person with their own hobbies and views. And there is nothing wrong with the fact that one of you loves surfing while another one prefers to sunbathe with a book. If you wish, you can always find a compromise. But if you keep quiet about your views, your partner will not guess about them. Do not forget about a hobby, which you were devoting time before the relationship, for example, modeling ships, Latin dances or fishing. If all this gave you pleasure, inspired and gave energy, why not make time for your hobbies now? You kill two birds with one stone – you free up personal time when you can be alone with yourself, and you become more interesting for your partner.

2. Do not lose contact with friends

It's great that you have fun together and relax, but do not forget about friends with whom, for some reason, it is more convenient to meet in private. Doing that, you will be able to dilute each other's company and discuss topics that are uninteresting to your partner. Anyway, all women like to occasionally gossip about common acquaintances, and men like to chat about their “boyish” topics.

3. Do not be afraid to talk about your desires

Do not hesitate to tell your partner if you don’t like anything or disagree with something. However, you should choose your words with care. Remember that each of you may have your own opinion, but you do not need to put pressure on a partner, imposing certain views on the situation. It's okay if you suddenly want to stay home at the weekend instead of a planned shopping or visit to relatives.

4. Learn to negotiate

A relationship is not only happiness, but it is also daily work. You start a relationship, highlighting all the best features of your partner, but over time, the illusion of idealization leaves you, and you suddenly discover that your partner has a different opinion on many things. Talk, express your point of view, carefully listen to your partner and look for compromises. The ability to negotiate is the key to a happy and healthy relationship.

5. Private space

You can live in a luxurious mansion or in a one-room apartment, it does not matter. Each person should have a personal space, a place where they can be left alone with their thoughts, relax, or do what they want. For some people, it's an office or workshop, while for others, it's just a cozy chair with a warm plaid and interesting book. Anyway, don't lose yourself in a relationship, don’t deny yourself pleasant little things and personal space.

6. Look for new interests and hobbies

It happens that after the wedding, a person ceases to be interested in many things as well as to look for some new areas of inspiration. This is a direct way to merging and dependence on the partner. Common interests are a great thing! But each of you should have their own hobbies. After all, personal interests are the manifestation of individuality, and they are unique handwriting. Therefore, do not cease to look for new hobbies and broaden the circle of friends. When you lose yourself in a relationship, you forget that there is a huge interesting world outside your apartment.

7. Financial independence

The family budget can be shared or separate, only one spouse can work or both partners can be engaged in earning money, and one of them can earn more. When a man provides his woman completely, this seems to be an attractive option for many women. The main thing is that the partners shouldn’t devalue the contribution of each other or manipulate with the help of money. They should have the opportunity to satisfy their basic needs independently of each other. Financial freedom brings lightness to the relationship.

8. Do not be silent

If you feel dissatisfaction in family life, you are tired of the monotony, or on the contrary, unpredictability, you should talk about it. Your partner is not a magician, it’s difficult to determine from a glance what is wrong and what you expect. Talk about everything and get answers to the following questions, “Who are you to each other? Where are you going? Are your family values the same?” If you cannot cope on your own, then turn to a specialist to work on your grievances and fears, release the past to start living here and now.

9. Love yourself a little more

How to not lose yourself in a relationship? Healthy egoism helps not only in life but also in family relationships. A person who loves themselves (healthy love), makes others admire themselves. The desire to dissolve in a partner causes irritation and puts the relationship at risk. Take care of yourself and don’t sacrifice too much, show weakness and sometimes temper, and then your relationship will grow stronger. After all, both of you will be happy together. How to Understand That You Lost Yourself in a Relationship? When we are in a relationship with a loved one, it is quite natural that over time, we become alike in some way and even take over certain features from each other. But even in long-term relationships, it is important to save your own “I” and not to lose yourself.

What should you pay attention to?

1. You constantly use the word “we” and never “I”

If you invariably say, “we” instead of “I,” “my” when you make plans, think about the future or tell about your own life, this is a hint about the existence of a problem. Let's say you meet a childhood friend you haven’t seen for many years, and your phrases sound like, "We are thinking about buying a house," "We have only a dog yet," "We go out of town on weekends." What about all your own achievements? What about your education or a good job? What about your interests or the goals that you have set yourself? If it is more convenient for you to talk about yourself in the plural, as a couple, but not about an independent person, it's time to think about your own self-esteem and confidence. In the end, if you do not change anything, you risk losing yourself completely.

2. You tolerate things that you would have never tolerated

We all have our own moral compass. Before you started this relationship, this compass had worked well. Now you are led unhindered into dark obscurity, even when the North Star is directly above you and desperately begs you to turn around and go in a different direction. However, your desire to yield can lead to toxicity and emotional violence in the relationship. If you find that you constantly justify the behavior and habits of your partner, then you have lost yourself in the relationship.

3. Now your things are less important than their ones

If you live together, look at your home. Have you brought your furniture, favorite pillows, books, and a computer? Or maybe you have donated or distributed most of your things in order not to overload the house? Remember that you deserve to hold on to your things that bring meaning and joy to your life. For some people, this item may seem inappropriate and ridiculous. However, there is something to think about. In general, you agree that your things have no value. If you cannot compromise on personal property, there is a chance that they don’t compromise on more substantial matters. Unfortunately, you have lost yourself as a person at the stage of living together.

4. You automatically agree with everything

Many couples can argue about where to dine. And the opinion of one person often triumphs over another one. Think about whose choice is constantly leading. One of the obvious signals that there is a clear imbalance in the relationship is that you agree with your partner automatically, without even thinking about yourself. Think about the important decisions that you will make together in the future. Do you want to be in an unhealthy relationship?

5. You do not have personal time and space

Even the brightest extrovert periodically needs personal time. If you find that you spend all your free hours on your partner, you have lost your “I” and not even realized it. When your beloved one does not want to provide you with the personal space that you need, this is a red flag, which shows a feeling of ownership or jealousy, which can lead to more serious problems.