How to Stop Being a Nice Guy

05.03.2019

What You Need to Know About a Nice Guy Syndrome

Here’s a scene that will tell you everything you need to know about the nice guy syndrome. You're a man. You are sitting in the evening on the beach in the company of your friends. It is warm, summer weather. One friend is playing the guitar, the other one is singing along with him. Someone is drinking. Directly opposite to you is a girl, she is dancing and when you lock eyes, she winks at you. She is hot as hell. She is dressed in colorful Indian pants and a black T-shirt that hides her breasts. Each time she orders new songs to the guitarist. When she dances, doing backbends, you are constantly staring at her breasts. You like the girl a lot, but you are trying to hide it. And then a friend calls her, asks to meet her at the subway. The music goes silent. This girl turns to you, pointing a finger at you and says that you should go and meet someone who has arrived. You are surprised and ask why you? “Because I trust you,” she replies with a smile. The music begins to play again and you, having checked everything is in place, stand up and go out to bring her friend over.

Well, really, what's wrong with that? - you are a man, the girl asked you for a favor. This seems like quite a logical response. You will meet her friend, bring her to the party and everything will be fine. She will thank you, smile and for some reason very quickly forget about your existence and the assistance provided. A little later, you will see how she is dancing with another guy who you have just brought to the party. Who is he and why is he dancing with her?

Why did she immediately decide to stick to him and not you? After all, he is not as handsome as you are and behaves too arrogantly, in your opinion. He takes two beers from the bar, doesn’t acknowledge your existence. And a little later, you discover that both of them have disappeared somewhere. You are just another nice guy.

Here’s the difference, even though you are more attractive, politer and caring, the girl went out with the obnoxious one, the one who came late to the party. But the fact is that you were used to bringing a friend over and didn’t use your opportunity to dance with her. You had to show your attraction towards her, but you thought of it as something rude or impolite. Conclusion: don't be a nice guy.

What Is a Nice Guy?

What is a nice guy? It is such a man that seeks the approval of women at all costs.

• A good guy can be your relative who lets his wife ride the car. He can be your friend who is willing to do anything for anyone, even if his own life lies in ruins. This is a man whose life seems quite orderly, and then he goes nuts, he does something destructive with it: he quits his job, his family and goes on some kind of journey. This is a man who upsets his girlfriend or wife with the fact that he cannot make important decisions for a long time, all the time he expects something that is about to happen soon in order for his life to get better. This is a man who knows how to gracefully get out of the most awkward and direct questions, he is used to it because he is afraid of conflicts and disagreements, he would much rather sneak out than face the situation.
• Age does not matter here. These guys always strive to be good and do the right thing. When they make other people happy, they experience happiness. They are afraid of conflicts and therefore are ready to give up and make compromises, just not to destroy a relationship.
• A good guy tries to be not like his father because he was an alcoholic, angry, authoritarian, manipulative, or vice versa, weak-willed and pathetic. Therefore, as a child, he decides to be different from his father. The same can happen if a man grew up in a family without a mother or a father figure in his life.
• A good guy wants to believe that he is not selfish, not aggressive and not irritable – he attributes these qualities to the "other" men. And in order to further convince himself and others of his qualities, he can get involved in yoga and meditation as well as give up smoking, drinking and swearing or having sex and other dumb ideas.
• A good guy loves to find flaws in other men and condemns the moral side of their behavior. This allows him to believe that he is better than other men. In the men's company, he feels uncomfortable, pretends that all is well, but wants to leave their company as soon as possible. A good guy feels comfortable in the women's company.
• Instead of doing business, he will stagnate, always finding explanations for his inaction. How to spot a nice guy? He is a champion in excuses and at the same time a champion in throwing smoke into people’s eyes and creating an image of reliability. He tries to be easy and reliable, but in fact, he is constantly filled with anxieties and is afraid to build close relationships because he is vulnerable.
• His biggest fear is the fear of women. He is afraid of them because he does not understand them. And to hide this fear, he tries to be as gentle and caring as possible. He thinks that he will receive her love in return, even if not immediately but in a long-term perspective when she realizes how unreliable the other men are, she will come running to him. But this will never happen.
• Good guys can't break up. In relationships, they become addicted to women. And they try to fully commit themselves to relationships in order to get in return an equal portion of love and recognition. When a relationship comes to an end, instead of a normal breakup, a good guy will try to fix it again and again, even if the situation is irreparable.
• Women are friends with good guys. But they won’t have sex with them, sex goes to men. And the good guys go to meet boyfriends of those women who they are just dreaming of.
• The Good Guys are a generation of psychologically immature men. This is the misfortune of the last century, caused by wars, the absence of fathers, the growing number of divorces, the upbringing by women who impose their understanding of correct male behavior on boys and feminism seeking equality. These global events imperceptibly turn into dust the most important thing in a man - his masculinity, his instincts, and his wild temperament.

No More Mr. Nice Guy: Why Women Avoid Nice Guys and Do They Really? Women avoid nice guys because they need self-confident men, those who have a sense of self-esteem and dignity. Nice guys are the opposite of that, they are unreliable and pathetic.

Sure, some women don’t avoid such guys, but such a relationship, in which a woman dominates and a man is submissive is doomed. And it’s not even about toxic masculinity or anything like that, it’s about the most basic evolutionary rules, it’s about the way we evolved and came to be as we are. And even if they aren’t doomed, then a man won’t truly be a man in a relationship like that, he will crumble, he will no longer be a man, but just a poor, pathetic and submissive creature, a servant.

Women prefer confident men for the same reason because they are feminine by nature, they are caring, loving, afraid of causing harm, and they don’t need the copy of themselves to be nearby. This is why they say that you should not date people who are identical to you in character, you should complete each other, as different pieces of the puzzle coming together.

How to Not Be a Nice Guy

Let’s now find out how to stop being a nice guy.

1. Remember the basic signs of a nice guy

• He believes that if he is caring, kind and attentive, he will surely receive love and joy in return.
• To a girl who he barely knows, he would offer something that he would not offer to the rest of his friends.
• He tries to avoid conflicts, preferring not to express his opinion or even agree with the interlocutor, even if, in fact, he does not agree with them.
• He seeks to resolve all the problems of a girl, and he likes to help.
• He is seeking the approval of others.
• He tries to hide his flaws and mistakes.
• He always tries to do everything right.
• He tends to analyze, not feel.
• It is difficult for him to put his interests above all.
• He is often emotionally dependent on his partner.

2. Stop agreeing on everything with everyone

Are you tired of being the nice guy? Stand up for yourself. This does not mean that you have to argue for the sake of the dispute itself, but you should not forget that you are a person with your own preferences and opinion. If you agree with everyone, you will sacrifice your individuality. How to stop being the nice guy? Think about yourself and do not be afraid to express your opinion. Not all cases of disagreement mean a violent dispute, and a difference of opinion can sometimes lead to fascinating conversations in which you learn a lot about what a person thinks and how they see a problem.

3. Stop trying to please everyone

How to stop being a nice guy? Do not bend over for the others, listen to yourself. If you are faced with the problem of a nice guy, you probably like helping people, which is great. But you should not become easily accessible because in this way you risk becoming a slave to the desires and expectations of other people. It is perfectly normal to have your own needs and goals, and you can fulfill your desires while helping others, but you should not be putting the interests of other people in front of yours. Avoid parasitic relationships in which you just give, give, give, and do not get anything in return. Aim for a mutually beneficial relationship.

4. Learn to express your discontent calmly

Since childhood, some people have been imparted with the idea that it is bad to say something negative. However, conflict situations occur in life, and something needs to be done with them because, otherwise, we will not be able to build healthy, harmonious relationships. How not to be a nice guy? Learn special communication tactics (for example, master the sandwich method - when something negative in a statement is placed between two positive remarks), and it becomes much easier for you to speak on topics that you previously tried to avoid.

5. Do not be afraid to show character

How to not be a nice guy? Do not allow people to disrespect you or ignore you. Do not be afraid to stand up for yourself. If a colleague stole your idea and passed it off as their own, do not let them get away with it. If you keep silent, you will show cowardice. If a girl you had invited for a date did not come and did not bother to call and warn you about it, you should not tolerate such an attitude to yourself.

6. Don’t try too hard

And the last tip on how to not be a nice guy is this, the problems with nice guys do not arise because they are too nice. You can be a gentleman without being pathetic. You can be nice and not strangle your partner with your attention. You can be good and not make yourself look miserable. It is important to find a balance. Surround yourself with good people who will respect you just as you will respect them and strive to show everyone else how to treat you and people in general.