What is Ghosting in Dating and How to Respond to It
01.10.2018
What does ghosting someone mean? Imagine that you had a date and it was boring and uninteresting, but still, a person writes, calls and offers to meet again. In this situation, you can act politely and explain why you don’t want to communicate. And also you may just not answer – anyway, it will end sooner or later. This behavior is called ghosting. Ghosting is the practice of ending a relationship without any comment when a person simply stops responding to messages and disappears. This is a cruel way but quite popular. In a survey conducted in 2016, 11 percent of people admitted that they were in ghosting relationships and 80 percent of respondents said they used ghosting while dating. So, let’s consider this issue in details.
What does ghosting mean?
Imagine different situations:
1. What is ghosting in dating? Today you meet, drink coffee, chat graciously, and discuss plans for the next meetings. And a girl disappears the next day. Just didn’t show up at the scheduled time. You see her online in social networks, but she doesn’t contact you in any way, and you don’t dare to write “hello, where are you?” It seemed to you, that you had a pleasant meeting, pleasant communication, which could become something more, but suddenly she ended it.
2. You met, talked, even lived together, everything was fine, not perfect, but you ate together, slept together, went to the cinema, discussed the plans for a joint vacation, and so on. In the morning, she said goodbye as always, went to work, and in the evening, you came home and found an apartment without her belongings and keys on the table.
3. You were friends. Called each other, met, went to the theater, to concerts, etc. And suddenly a girlfriend doesn’t call. She either doesn’t answer your calls at all or doesn’t call back. Also, she tries to end a conversation faster or gives cold and monosyllabic answers. This is a good example of ghosting a friend.
4. You agreed to a meeting with a client, an employer, a customer, etc. The second party assured you of their interest, confirmed the time and place. And at the appointed time, there is no person, the phone is silent or completely out of the zone. So, what is ghosting? Maybe you have already guessed? Yes, this is ignoring. I think everyone has a million of such stories. It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship united you with a ghost person and how long they lasted. The main thing is that suddenly this person disappeared. He or she didn’t become a victim of a terrible accident, didn’t move to the end of the world, and was not abducted by aliens. A person just disappeared.
Actually, people disappear for a reason. And not all of them are cynical scoundrels. Someone just doesn’t tolerate pain, for someone, it is easier to act like this than declare “I’m leaving you” and immediately assume the whole responsibility for a breakup and become “bad”. Someone is just so tired of hopelessness in a relationship that finds strength only in the silent disappearance. Each breakup has its own reasons.
But the victims of ghosts feel harder. Being in suddenly abandoned, they remain face to face with their feelings – misunderstanding, confusion, bitterness, resentment, hope that maybe everything is not as they thought. They can swear, cry, argue, but even a negative dialogue is a dialogue. But with a ghost, there is no such possibility. He or she just disappeared. Impossibility to speak causes the effect of sticking. A person simply depends on the situation. “Yesterday it was all right and today a person left. Why is it so?”, “We discussed plans for the future together, and now she is not here, what should I do?” – You really can’t understand it, especially if a separation was not preceded by any quarrels and conflicts. 
A victim of a ghost begins to desperately search for a ghost precisely to understand everything. Not finding a ghost, a victim gets into depression. And the way out of it is more complicated and longer.
Yes, leaving someone without an explanation, we seem to leave three points at the end of the sentence, behind which can be anything. For example, the same mysterious return. In fact, it’s an anchor, an iron, sharp anchor that pierces the body of an abandoned person and tears him or her to pieces. So, maybe it’s better to say “Goodbye”?
What is ghosting in a relationship?
So, what is ghosting in a relationship and how can you understand that you became its victim?
Let’s imagine you’re dating a girl. And suddenly she disappears from your life. At first, she stops putting likes under your nice posts on Instagram, then for some reason, doesn’t respond to the comment that you left under a photo of her pet, and then doesn’t respond to your messages. At the same time, you see that she is online, writes posts on Facebook, likes photos of her friends, and retweets funny tweets. But your messages are still unread. Then you venture on a desperate step – you call her. But she doesn’t answer the phone and doesn’t call back. Congratulations! You became a victim of a ghost: a girl continues communicating with the rest of the people, but not with you. Well, she turned into a ghost for you – it’s impossible to connect with her, as with most ghosts. This is how online dating ghosting looks like.
The main trouble with such a phenomenon as ghosting is uncertainty, dictated by the incompleteness of the actions of a person who suddenly disappeared from our field of vision. The absence of any explanation of the reasons gives a victim an opportunity to treat them differently: did she disappear forever? And, maybe, she will return? Have I been rejected? Or all happened for some objective reasons, not dependent on my potential soulmate? Such thoughts can drive you crazy especially if you consider that they don’t receive confirmation.
Reasons for ghosting someone
You need to understand the reason of ghosting once and for all: most often people do it because they don’t want to waste their energy, time, and, most importantly, emotions to explain the reasons for a breakup. A person understands that he/she will have to say something and bring some arguments, and this is associated with a fair expenditure of nerve cells – why do this if you can just disappear? And it doesn’t matter what the reason for this behavior is – whether your girlfriend is confused in her feelings, maybe she initially was not going to build a serious relationship with you or a girl generally entered this ghosting relationship because she understood that she could easily get out of them at any time. So, anyway, it is important to understand how to get out of the painful state associated with such a situation.
Ghosting after a long relationship: how to cope
On the one hand, the desire to disappear without explanation is understandable: no confrontations and wasting time on emotions. But this only seems so because a disappearing person doesn’t see the consequences of his or her act – pain, trauma, shock, frustration, and confusion. Nevertheless, if you got into this situation and there was no way to avoid this, you can do the following:
1. Give yourself time
Scientists state that trying to forget about anger and disappointment, these emotions will not disappear. You just need to feel it. Really feel it. Spend a little time to sit with your disappointment. But don’t overdo: remember that at some point, you will need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. It is recommended setting a limit for your upset – a few days or a week, and then, when the time comes, move on.
2. Don’t look for answers
It’s easy to fall into a cycle of walking around in a circle: where did I go wrong? What did I say wrong? The truth is that you have no idea what is going on in the mind of another person. You don’t know in whom the problem is: in you or in your loved one. And in the life of your girlfriend, there can be a million different things that are absolutely not connected with you, but made her disappear. Resist the urge to analyze situations to understand why you are ignored. In all likelihood, you will not find what you are looking for, but in the process, you will adjust yourself to great suffering, discovering that your ex-girlfriend just lives her life as if nothing happened.
3. Don’t expect an apology
It seems to you that it will be easier if a girl apologizes to you. But it will not work. She feels good without you and your demands will only confirm that she made the right choice – life without you. Even if you receive an explanation of the act, most likely it will not satisfy you and only aggravate the situation. No man wants to hear that he is just not attractive enough or there is someone who is much better.
4. Look for pros
So, how to deal with ghosting? Just because your relationship is over or a girl suddenly disappeared into nowhere, it doesn’t mean that everything is bad. You will never be the same as in these relationships. And if you reconsider this from the perspective of experience, you can move on and be the new best version of yourself. Just thank a ghost for the opportunity to review your relations with people. Think, perhaps you have long ignored the red flags? Or were you the kind of person that your partner wanted to see? These lessons definitely need to be learned.
How to respond to ghosting
If you still want to return your loved one who is ghosting you, then here are 3 methods that you can try:
1. Counter ghosting
It works on the principle “And I don’t care!” If you understand that she has lost interest in you, although you are sure of your kindness, sensitivity, sense of humor and other useful qualities, then you should start behaving the same way as she behaves. For the first time, she will just think. Then she will begin to experience and doubt her own attractiveness. And in the end, ghosting a girl in this way, she will understand that she behaved incorrectly and will try to do something to attract your attention. This is how to respond to ghosting correctly.
2. Back and forth
The method is based on the so-called “swings”, when, in one period of time, you treat her well, take the initiative, and so on. And then you behave very coldly as if she is your friend, don’t initiate communication and respond enthusiastically to her attempts to start it. This is a kind of prevention for the future so that she no longer has the thought of ghosting you.
3. Banter
It can be used both at the very beginning of dating and further in a relationship. It works to increase your attractiveness because a guy who can easily have fun is considered confident and also charming. The main thing in banter is your confidence that you have the right to joke at her. If you don’t have this confidence, it is better to use the two previous methods. Otherwise, she will take it as a pathetic attempt to attract her attention. So, how to respond to ghosting? Use these 3 techniques. They really work.
