10 Signs of a Controlling Girlfriend

31.07.2018

All couples face problems in relationships. And one of the most annoying is total control. The more your partner controls you, the lower your self-esteem gets. One day, you can simply forget about those things that used to be a significant part of your life. The very thought of this will make you doubt if your partner loves you and your hobbies.

In addition, controlling relationships are extremely difficult to end. If your girlfriend controls every aspect of your life, once you break up, you can face a devastating sense of lack of support. Because of this, many people return to their previous relationships, with all their shortcomings. But we should always remember that the meaning of any romantic relationship should be in happiness and harmony.

If you suspect that your girlfriend is controlling you too much, check out these 10 signs to find out for sure.

Controlling behavior in a relationship and its effects

Control is actually a good thing if you think of it. When a person cares about a relationship and takes responsibility for him/herself, it makes the other partner’s life much easier. But if control goes beyond rational care, violating your right to personal choice and freedom of action, it spoils the relationship. You feel like a victim, and the relationship with someone who has a controlling personality begins to suffocate you. But you keep doing everything that your personal warden asks or suggests.

And quite often, you end up being a scapegoat because, in case of a mistake, you’ll be the one to blame. At the beginning of a relationship, you may not notice the desire to control in your partner, and choosing her as your soul mate, you think that you’re getting a caring and loving girl. But after a couple of years or even a few months, she shows her dark side constantly controlling you and trying to limit your freedom.

This situation will sooner or later make you want to break free and put an end to this controlling relationship, but not all are able to switch from thoughts to actions, preferring to suffer and endure, hoping that the partner will change someday. In the meantime, this partner develops a hypertrophied sense of ownership while you slowly lose your true I. Not to mention that, as a rule, strict control over a relationship gradually deprives a person of the opportunity to communicate freely with friends.

At first glance, it may seem that the craving for total control is a controlling person’s dominant motivation, but it’s not. Power over others, in this case, is only an executive tool for lowering the internal level of anxiety. Such people use control to get rid of fears to face quarrels and breakups.

Control in a relationship is, in fact, a very strained chain which fetters the partner, preventing him from living his life. And despite the apparent dependence of a person who’s under control from his loved one, both partners usually coexist on equal terms.

Why control in a relationship may lead to problems

• Obviously, people with controlling personality disorder love taking things into their own hands and need to be 100% sure that the situation stays contained, so they’ll do anything to maintain a sense of control. This puts romantic relationships in great danger.
• It’s difficult for a controlling person to open up and show you their feelings and weaknesses. As a result, you don’t have a chance to get to know your partner.
• By maintaining total control in a relationship, your companion doesn’t want to admit that she needs you. But in fact, she needs you so much that she wants to control you all the time and becomes extremely jealous.
• People, to whom control in a relationship is very important, may have sexual problems – they find it difficult to give themselves complete freedom in bed. They may have some kind of concept about what exactly sex should be like. They may feel the need to control you but resist the loss of control over themselves at the same time.
• People who have been through too much control from parents in their childhood can subconsciously strive for control.

Signs of a controlling girlfriend

Here are a few signs that you’re under your loved one’s unhealthy control.

1) You are always to blame

All couples have fights occasionally. But for controlling people, quarrels and criticism are obligatory parts of the relationship. What we’re talking about here are mostly groundless accusations you may hear quite often. Sooner or later, this line of behavior will make you feel like a useless creature that can’t do anything, and your tyrant partner will tower above you like some Roman emperor.

2) She manipulates you, using anger and threats

Often, controlling people get furiously mad when they can’t get what they want. That’s because they’re ready to do whatever it takes to achieve their goal, and they use their anger to manipulate people so that they obey them.

3) She exaggerates her role in the relationship

Well, actually, it’s not solely girls’ trait. It’s also one of the signs of a controlling man. It’s pretty normal for people to exaggerate their good deeds to some extent. After all, we all want to seem better than we are. But those who are crazy about control just don’t know where to stop. Having washed the dishes, they already consider themselves life saviors. And that’s just one example, and there are a lot of them. If you think that your loved one’s overestimating her importance, you should try to find out which of you actually does more to make your relationship comfortable. It may turn out that you and your partner show the same amount of care for each other. But unlike you, she just wants everyone to know how caring she is.

4) She always expects more from you and is never satisfied

Another hidden form of control is when your girlfriend creates the impression that everything you do for her is never good enough and that you’ll never be able to measure up to her standards. This can make you feel like you owe her.

5) She always questions your motives

Here’s one of the most obvious signs of a controlling woman: your girlfriend keeps questioning your motives. In this case, the victim is never sure of himself, and, therefore, he’s always in emotional tension. This may result in the victim always seeing his controlling partner as a model of behavior, trusting her with important decisions again and again.

6) She always humiliates you

If she constantly humiliates you, calls you by nicknames, and questions the wisdom of the decisions you make, you’re dealing with a controlling, manipulative personality. She can make you feel obliged to try harder to get her approval. Most likely, you subconsciously allow your partner to make important decisions for you.

7) She often threatens to break up with you

A controlling partner constantly threatens her boyfriend with a breakup when she sees that he can be manipulated. This usually happens when the controlling companion is married to a person, whose career will be destroyed if their loved one really leaves, which, in fact, doesn’t happen usually.

8) She uses sex as leverage

This is one of the typical signs of a controlling girlfriend. Girls often abuse the importance of sex in order to manipulate their boyfriends and get what they want from them. Women, usually, don’t need sex as desperately as men.

9) She’s too jealous

Jealousy can be another red flag worth paying attention to. Of course, if you regularly give your partner a reason to be nervous, flirt with other girls, and don’t know how to control yourself after a couple of glasses of wine, then there’s no surprise why your partner gets so angry and always wants to start a fight. But if this manner of behavior isn’t about you, and such words as dignity and loyalty mean something to you, then excessive jealousy, in this case, is nothing but another instrument of control. And if you usually sort things out without yelling at each other, breaking cups and plates, and leaving bruises on each other, then everything isn’t so bad. But if your partner’s jealousy goes beyond the limits, and you begin to worry about her emotional state, then it's time to have a break; otherwise, nothing good will come of it. Destructive relationships have never ended on a positive note yet.

10) You have no personal life besides the relationship

Feel guilty when doing something at your own will? Inform her that you’re going to call a friend all the time? Have a feeling that you have to spend every spare minute with your partner just to avoid quarrels? All these are signs of a controlling relationship. Moreover, they suggest that control has grown to a stage where you no longer have the right to a personal life outside of the relationship.

All these signs indicate that it's time for you to rethink your relationship. After all, there’s nothing good in supporting something that destroys you from within. Follow your feelings and instincts. And if they’re shouting ‘Danger,’ you should listen to yourself and end the destructive relationship.

How to deal with controlling people

If you’re sure that you want to keep the relationship but on a different level and other conditions, get ready. Changes won’t come quickly. You need to move towards them, making small steps, and it may take a month, two, or maybe a year. But your own freedom is worth it. Here are a couple of ways to protect yourself against excessive control.

Begin with yourself. Work on your self-esteem

There are many types of controlling people, but the main reason why we allow tyrants to dominate over us is low self-esteem. Therefore, the main component of your break-free-from-control plan is to increase your importance. It won’t be easy in a situation, where you’re constantly criticized and humiliated. But without this, you won’t change anything.

Work together

In any relationship or marriage, cooperation plays a very important role. This means that none of the partners can be a lord and master, and no one should be striving for it. Such things will never help in building strong relationships.

Talk to the person controlling you

Have a chat and try to help her understand how to stop being controlling. Talk calmly, without screams and emotions. If you start talking in the same way your overly controlling girlfriend talks to you – expect trouble.

Use logic

Explain that this destructive relationship humiliates you and makes you doubt if there’s any reason why you should stay together. Begin putting boundaries in your relationship that will protect certain areas of your life, where you don’t want to feel someone's excessive control.

Carry out your plan gradually

You can’t change your partner’s attitude to you in one day. To be sustainable, the changes must happen slowly. Develop yourself, master more effective methods of communication, change your life and your attitude to it. But there’s no need to hurry.